18 August

Somehow, today, after I woke up, I knew the results I will be getting for Chinese O levels will not be what I expected. Mummy sent me to sch. (Y) First two periods was Chinese. I thought we could get back but teacher told us we will only be getting back at 2.30 and those who's having oral will get back after oral. Wtf. Slept during chinese lesson, like a shiok. ^^ After that was 3 periods of maths. Like seriously !?!?! I was so sleepy. ;( Went to eat recess with Yunfann. She's awesome. 2 periods of Chemistry after recess. Assembly afterwards. But we left before assembly and me and Yunfann waited in the canteen while Elaine went out of school to have lunch. Talked for awhile with Yunfann, and she told me some stuffs which kind of affected my mood. I was thinking about it even while waiting for my turn during oral. I was so afraid that it might affect how I will do for my oral. I hate you, hate you for telling her some stuffs I don't want her to know. Well, but oral was okay, I guess. Yunfann waited for me so we can go take out chinese results. But even before that, I saw Elaine's message " U GOT B3 " I fucking swear I just stood there, I can't move. I was shocked. I can't believe I got so lousy. A fucking B3 only when my oral was distinction. I don't know how to describe how I was feeling at that moment. I just felt like giving up everything. I was suicidal. I hate myself for not even able to make my parents proud. And I hate people who kept telling me a B3 is good enough. Fuck your, a fucking B3 is damn lousy especially when the papers were so easy. I start to wonder am I able to get a A1 if I retake. I swear that was the worst moment ever. BUT thanks Zhengyi for still calling me when you're sick. THANKS. ^^ Accompanied Amanda to Hub and then took mrt home with Yunfann.

I start to realize that everything in life cannot be going the way I want. Sometimes, we just have to learn to let go. Let go of things we shouldn't be clinging on to, especially when it's gonna hurt us so fucking deep. I hate myself, for loving you. Some people say to be able to love is a blessing. Hahah bullshit. It hurts when the person you love don't even love you. That's the worst. That's what I'm going through now. I just want you to love me. I guess that will never come true. My heart is already with you, I can't take it back anymore, I can't give it to someone who deserves it. Yes, I'm stupid. But it's love that makes us all stupid. Why can't I let go? Why am I still waiting? Why? the process of waiting hurts so fucking much. I wish I can tell you I love you everyday. Sigh, why did you even come back into my life. Since you chose to come back, can you promise me you will never leave again? Please.